Ramblings of a Gay Nashvillian

32 and holding...

2008-12-29T13:04:00.002-06:00

It still sounds weird when I say it outloud... I am Thirty-Two now... When I was younger never pictured what I would be like at this age... I was so scared of my Thirties that I wouldn't think about it at all (As if that would keep it from happening). Of course they did come and now I am two years into my Thirties. I must say that I feel like my shit is more together now and I just feel more grounded than my Twenties and now that I think about it, I soo would not want to go back to my Twenties (This may change when forty approaches)...

Anyway... For my Thirty-second birthday I decided to go visit Tony in Chicago. He moved to Chicago from Tampa the day after I moved from Nashville to New Orleans. As crazy as it sounds I decided to drive instead of fly because I had to visit my mom in Southern Illinois anyway. The downfall was not being able to split the trip home up. I had to drive all the way from Chicago to New Orleans in one day. I must say that I will NEVER do that again in my life but it was worth the trip.

I got to moms around 10pmish on Christmas Eve. We pretty much sat around and ate and played games for two days. It was good to have down time with my family and not have to worry about having a lot to do. My mom seemed to like it that way and thought we should make a tradition of being low key for Christmas. I am definitely OK with that...

So I left moms house Friday December 26th and headed up toward Chicago. I met Tony in Champagne and we rode the rest of the way up together. It was a good visit. We went to a local Beer Brewery/Pub to eat the first night. I had a Saturday Birthday this year which was great! We started off the day with Pizza at Lou Malnattis then some shopping on the mile. The weather was warm (Around 60 degrees) but it was raining. That kind of sucked but I didn't let it get me down. Besides... Kenneth Cole had a 70% off shoe sale on all of their men's shoes. It was worth it. :-)

After shopping we went back to Tony's house and chilled before Keith and another friend of Tony's showed up (Mike). I ended up being very attracted to Mike. He was not normally my type but I was very interested in him. Anywho... We went to Sidetracks where Keith (evil evil Man) introduced me to a new drink choice... Something I have thought about before but never ordered. A Cosmo on the rocks. Now my new fav drink. :-) Of course I got a little more than tipsy but didn't do anything bad or embarrassing. YAY!!! lol.

We left Sidetracks and Keith went to Steamworks. "Let's call a spade a spade" I said because he was trying to be covert and secretive about it. Funny... Tony, Mike and I went back to Tony's place where we sat and talked for a while longer. Mike left around 1 pm and I went to bed.

Up at 5:45 am and on the looooooong road home by 6:15 am... Stopped in Nashville for a few hours to see the grandparents and brunch at MadDonnas with Ant and back on the road to N'awlins!

Melissa happened to still be in Nashvegas which was good. We caravanned home to keep each other awake... It worked until about Hattysburg when I started Hallucinating and the trees started waving at me... Got home at 12:55 am Monday December29th and up for work at 6:45am on Monday December 29th...

All and all I had a great Christmas and birthday this year but like I said before... Never again. Mama is flying next time!!!

For now I am going to sit back relax and see what 32 has in store.

Cheers!
Topher

Lets do the Time Warp again...

2008-12-29T11:11:00.004-06:00

Wow! So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to begin.

I almost deleted this blog but kept it open just in case I ever felt like posting again. It has been 15 months since my last post and so much has changed that I am just going to start with the big stuff and fill in what I can. What prompted me to post was my birthday. I went to visit Tony in Chicago and we were trying to remember past visits and were forgetting things. I thought to myself that I need to start getting this stuff down or it will just be lost forever. Sometimes I want more than just a photo to remember experiences.

I moved to New Orleans on August 3, 2008. You know I have tried to move to Chicago for so long that I never even considered anywhere else. But Melissa and I reconnected and I came down here quite a few times over the last year or so and I started opening up to the possibility of moving to New Orleans. I thought well hell if something bad happens every single time I try to move to Chicago, them maybe I shouldn't move to Chicago right now. So anyway... Melissa offered to help me move (Gotta love a lesbian and her truck) and I found a great job so away I went... And now I couldn't be happier about my choice. I LOVE this city!!! I love the people, the food, the cheap booze, etc... and even though I don't drink Daiquiris, I love the fact that there are drive thru Daiquiris shops all over town! Seriously!

I moved to New Orleans as a stepping stone... A way to get to Chicago... Stay here a few years and get experience in my career then move to Chicago, but now I don't know if I feel that way any more. Of course only time will tell but for now, I am perfectly happy here in the Big Easy where they have a neutral ground in stead of a median in the middle of the road; where it is perfectly legal and required to make U-Turns and where they make groceries instead of get them.

Cheers!
Topher

So you don't want a relationship... Ok. Well I do...

2007-09-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been trying to figure out how I was going to end an arrangement that has gone on too long. I have had a FWB for a little over a year now and I am starting to come out of the sex haze I have been under. Yes, I fell in love with him and I know I know... I'm an idiot. But there was something about him besides the sex, of course, that kept me coming back.
He truly cared for me. He would do anything for me in his power. I guess I felt safe enough with him to let my guard down...

Next thing I know, I'm writing love poems and pining after him (OMG gag me with a spoon).

T says I never loved him... I only felt that way because I knew deep down I couldn't have him. He is wrong for the most part but I know that not being able to have him played a part though. Most of my friends don't know that this "arrangement" has continued on even though I told him about my feelings for him. I guess they all assumed that once I told him how I felt, that he would do what most typical men do, run. But of course he didn't run. When I told him how I felt, I told him that I was jest letting him know. I wasn't expecting a response at all... Just had to get it off my chest. He got weird for a week and then things went back to the way they were. We continued to flirt, talk and have sex like nothing ever happened.

I sometimes wonder how he justified it in his head... After hearing someone tell you that they were in love with you, How are you still able to have a sexual relationship with that person knowing what must be going on inside their head?

I know, I have no one to blame for that but myself for allowing it to happen.

Thinking about it now, I can't believe the things I would think... If I keep waiting for him eventually he'll wake up and realize what is standing right in front of him... He'll eventually wan't a relationship with me, I just know it. (gag)

Bottom line, really is... I think he thinks of me as a very good friend that he can get together with and occasionally bang for a mutual release. Yes he cares about me and I would venture to say that he loves me but he will never want to have a relationship with me.

That saddens me but something good has come out of it. I have realized that I do have the capacity to love and I actually am wanting to have a relationship again. This is really surprising, considering the three years of me wanting absolutely nothing to do with any type of relationship.

This is a good thing. :-)

This is the end of a good thing that went on a little too long.

Peace out!
Topher

Topher the functioning crack addict....

2007-08-15T14:58:00.000-05:00

I don't know why but I have been in a very manic mood for the past couple of days. Yesterday at work I started like 15 different projects. Work projects, personal projects, projects I have no business working on. Projects that should have been completed.. . yada yada yada. and on top of this one of my Cust service reps called out so I am taking calls, and keeping up with about 15 different email conversations. WooHoo!!! After work it continued with multiple overlapping incoming and outgoing phone calls on the cell phone, while texting. I told Aaron I felt like a functioning crack addict. He gave his usual boisterous laugh and said that has to be your next blog title. I said: "You're right". So here we are... Day two of Topher's manic mania and there seems to be no end in sight at the moment. I'm dreading the crash and burn but for now I guess I'll just enjoy the ride and try not to spend too much money. :-D More to come...

4:54am

2007-07-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

My eyes pop open again… My stomach in knots. I want to cry. It’s you racing through my mind again. Why? Maybe if I can express this emotion it will stop manifesting in my dreams. Every single day. 4:54am. I try to go back to sleep and all I can dream about is you. I wish I had never told you how I felt. I try to go to friends for consolation but it doesn’t help. It’s funny how when you’re going through something there seems to be no end in sight. God give me peace in my heart at 4:54am.

New Beginnings...

2007-05-03T09:14:00.000-05:00

So now here I am. It has been 5 months since my last post and I am a completely different person... I have pretty much cut all of the negativity out of my life (including negative friends) and unfortunately friends associated with negative friends. It was a hard decision but once I finally got to the point where the decision had to be made, it was surprisingly easy... A few hundred keystrokes to say goodbye and poof... An old chapter of my life ends and a new one begins. There are some residual "side effects" of cutting people out of my life, i.e. People going on fake dates with me to get information or sending emails to people to try to warn potential friends about how horrible and selfish I have become since I have started attending church... but overall I am handling the situation well... I have a great new support group. A small group of people who I can trust... People that I know love and care about me... And I thank God for it.

I see this new chapter of my life as a blessing. I have another chance to breathe love and life into peoples lives and now I have people surrounding me that want to do the same.

I am sure there are plenty of bumps in the road in the future but at least now I am back on the right road.

Peace out.
Topher

Choices

2006-12-14T15:23:00.000-06:00

Choices Current mood: pensive
Most of the time, we don't ever have to deal with our choices. We make them then we move on with our lives… We make them all day long… Every once in a while we are faces with consequences of our choices… We get an angry caller at work if we decide not to do something that they want done. We have to deal with angry coworkers when we decide to hit the snooze button that one extra time. We never really think about it until we make those choices in a split second that end up changing our lives in a major way. You don't even know at the time but after a while it dawns on you what you have done and you have to deal with the consequences of that choice. I know we all know this… It's kind of cliché even talking about it but I have run into one of those situations. I have made a choice that has become a catalyst for major change in my life. I believe that this change is actually for the good, but it is still scary none the less… I suppose the lesson in this situation could be: Don't let other people make your decisions for you. But if good is actually coming from it, maybe there was never a lesson to learn to begin with… Maybe I just need to get through the situation as best as I can and wait and see what is waiting for me on the other side. Only time will tell.

C

Should I stay or should I go now...

2006-12-07T15:50:00.000-06:00

Where do I begin.... There is too much to type and I don't have the strength to start so I am just going to ramble... I am hurting... I am upset with Anthony. I am upset with myself I am upset with the situation I am in. I do not want to go to Chicago for new years anymore with Anthony. I don’t even want to have the conversation that i know I have to have with Anthony tonight. I just don’t care. I must really be an asshole I suppose... Anthony says that I treat him so badly then why doesn’t he say something when I "treat him badly". I don't know what I am doing that is upsetting you if you don't fucking TELL ME! I am just tired of talking to Anthony about it because every time I try to talk to him about how he makes me feel sometimes he gets defensive and turns it back on me. Just like JAMEY did. Nothing ever gets resolved with him... He feels like certain parts of my life are his business and they aren’t... And when I omitted things it drove him nuts so he would find something else to be pissed at me about since I wouldn't give in and tell him where I was going. I have no privacy at home; I should at least have some privacy when I am away from him. He has gotten better about this recently... Instead up getting pissed off when I don’t tell him what I am doing he just makes fun of me... "On your way to your secret Rendezvous?" "Did you have fun on your secret Rendezvous?" That’s his new way of disapproving. Instead of picking a fight with me about it he just makes fun of it. Like married boy... and the other guy at church that was interested in me... I tried to tell him about it and... "You've already wrecked one home, Now you're starting another one?" And he says he was joking but Anthony uses that all the time... Saying what he feels by putting it in a joke... Then when you get upset about it... "What's your problem. I was only joking." No you weren't!!! I just don't think we are on the same page anymore... And we haven't been for months... We can never work out our differences and that drives me nuts... It makes me resent him because I know that if there is something that I have an issue with, I can't go to him with it because we will end up in a fight and not speak for three days and STILL nothing will get resolved. So I sit on it for a day or two and try to make it go away but it doesn't... So I say something and of course it gets turned around on me... "Well if you didn't treat me so mean." Give me an example... I don't fucking get it. I think he is using that as a cop out sometimes... And the whole Stephen thing... My opinion is, you haven't been laid in months... All the sudden Christopher has started seeing someone, you have no prospects... And then one day Stephen and you kiss?.?.? Wow... I'll just take him back so I am not alone and I can get laid on a regular basis... "Take him to Massachusetts and marry him love him?" Please bitch... Is that why you had you know who’s dick in your month last Thursday night? I love him sooo much that I'm gonna suck this other guys dick! Eight months ago you couldn't stand to be around him for more than five minutes without looking at me and saying, "I just can't breathe girl. He drains the life right out of me." If I had a dollar bill for every time I heard you say that... Or "I love Stephen; I’m just not IN love with him." What's changed since then? He rejected you... Madonna said it best girl... Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac (spelling)! I don't think you love him... I think you were lonely and horny. And when you asked him back out and he said no, you went crazy because you couldn't have him... Even if you two do get back together, six months from now, you're gonna be right back in the same boat you were in. "I can't breath girl, He's draining the life-force out of me." And I don't think I have the strength nor do I want to live through that again... If he really knew how you felt about him then or that you just had someone else’s dick in your mouth (You know who of all people) while professing your undying love to him, I doubt he would get back with you. And even though I don't like the boy and he doesn't like me, It isn't fair to Stephen... This leads me to my next statement... Stephen is a big boy and it is absolutely none of my business... That still doesn't mean that I have to like it. And I don't want him coming on this trip with us... I wouldn't invite married boy on this trip, or Brooke... Or I know... the year that I tried to invite Christina but you didn’t want her to come because you thought she was flaky and didn't like her... You actually threw a fit about it, so I had to tell her not to come... I don't like Stephen and I feel like I have paid too much money to go on this damn trip to have him sitting there staring at the wall while anyone besides you tries to engage him in conversation... I have tried and tried to be nice to him... Hell, I've even invited him out to drinks or to the movies... He doesn't even return my texts... So why on earth would I want to spend my New Years Eve in Chicago with HIM? I wouldn't but OH WAIT, I FORGOT; you are trying to win him back over so it's ok to invite him even though you know how I feel about it... You go right ahead and be that selfish girl... and you know what??? I think you might have enough money to pay for that hotel room by yourself that way you and Stephen can have that nice big bed at Suckitel to lye there and be "Friends" all day long...

Rant over! Peace out!
C

Something Different this Way Comes...

2006-11-15T15:36:00.000-06:00

Do you ever get the feeling that something is coming? Something that you cannot control that is going to change your life? Im not trying to be all doom gloom but I get that feeling a few times a year and inevitably somewhere around the corner something happens. Be it good bad or ugly.
I've had that feeling for a couple of days now. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that is about to change but I am bracing myself for something. There are a lot of things going on with me right now... Travel, holidays, complicated relationships (or my lack of interest in relationships), my impending 30th birthday next month and the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Maybe a combination of all of the above is giving me a sense of uneasiness.
I am taking a weekend holiday this weekend to unwind. Hopefully that will make things feel a little less up in the air.
We shall see.
For now all I can do is follow the words of Drew Barrymore in Ever After. "Just breathe."
Cheers Peeps.
Topher

Questioning President Bush...

2006-11-06T09:44:00.000-06:00

If you could ask President Bush one question no matter how crazy or personal it was, and he had to answer truthfully, what would that question be?

Exposing a hypocrite...

2006-11-05T15:18:00.000-06:00

As I am sure a lot of you know, the now ex president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Rev Ted Haggard, was exposed by a prostitute to be a hypocritical gay drug user. After denying the allegations at first, he has now confessed to both the drug use and "sexual immorality". He has resigned as president of the NAofE and has now been fired from the church that he founded.

"Wow"

This is a man that has preached for years about the agenda of the homosexual and about how immoral homosexual behavior is. He has lobbied against (and adamantly pushed for a federal ban on) same sex marriage.

The reason why I am writing this blog is because I don't understand why people have to live a life of duality to the point that they have to not only hide their true feelings but they have to be a hypocrite. I understand there are people that have many issues with their sexuality and are constantly struggling with their sexuality and their spiritual beliefs, but...

HOW DARE YOU STAND BEHIND THAT PULPIT AND CONDEMN ME FOR DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU DO!!!!

HOW DARE YOU LOBBY FOR A BAN ON SAME SEX MARRIAGE WHEN YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WITH A MALE PROSTITUTE WHILE DOING CRYSTAL METH!!!!!!

HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A SECOND HAND CITIZEN WHEN YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING FAR WORSE THAN I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING!!!!!
YOU HAVE SPIT ON THE VOWS THAT YOU SAID IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE AND FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND GOD!!!!!

Today my preacher said that he had to question why this prostitute came forward with this story. He said that we had to balance all of the evidence of this situation and have grace and forgiveness in our hearts. I am here to tell you that it is very hard for me to try to do this.

I am actually upset with my preacher for defending this guy that has admitted to drug use and gay acts while all the while preaching about gay immorality from behind the pulpit. I will pray for grace and comfort for this man's family and I will pray that he finds peace with his life and God and that one day he will realize the pain he has caused many people. I hope that he learns from his mistakes.

The prostitute said in an interview today:
"My intent was never to destroy his family. My intent was to expose a hypocrite."

Whether there was a hidden agenda for this prostitute bringing this to light or not, I am glad that he did.

Score one for truth and justice.

Gay Marriage vs Gay Civil Unions

2006-11-05T15:17:00.000-06:00

This is an excerpt from an MSNBC article that I read today by Debra Rosenburg. It made a lot of sense...
So not calling it marriage makes a big difference?
One of the main protections that comes with marriage is the word "marriage" and the security and certainty that come with that. There's not a married couple in the country that would trade in their marriage for a civil union or something else. Marriage is more than just the legal protections and responsibilities. It's a statement, a commitment that everyone recognizes. The best way to think about it is ask yourself this question. Either marriage and civil unions are the same—in which case why do we need two lines at the government clerk's office—or they're not the same, in which case why is the government withholding from these families and what reason does it have for doing that. It's funny because when we're discussing this question on the one hand, pretty much everyone agrees that marriage matters. And people have emotions and a rich set of feelings about marriage. But when the question is can gay people be denied marriage, people say it doesn't matter at all. How can it matter and not matter?

Tin Roof Rusted...

2006-10-29T08:38:00.000-06:00

So two of my best friends came into town this weekend from ATL because one of their cousins flew in from Ireland... Nora was her name... They were going Honky tonkin... I guess growing up in Nashville I am desensitized from all the country music hype/crap... Blah Blah Blah... But I can see coming over from Ireland and wanting to see downtown and all that jazz...

So we are supposed to meet them at a Mexican restaurant in East Nashville... Rose Pepper. I don't know why everyone likes that place so much... The food is bland and the servers are blaze and the Hodge Podge decor... Don't get me started on the decor...

W e get there and My best friend (Anthony) and I order two Vodka and Cranberries... SEVEN FUCKIN dollars for well vodka... I'm sorry you are a Mexican restaurant in EAST Nashville. You have no business charging 7.00 for a cape cod. So the girls show up and the we start to have a little bit of fun... Keep in mind our straight asshole waiter keeps walking away from us while we are in mid sentence.

We leave Rosepepper and are on our way to the beer cellar. Apparently no one bothered to realize that it is downtown Nashville on Halloween weekend... Needless to say we got stuck in traffic. The girls decided to go to the Flying Saucer instead. I've never been to the flying Saucer and I know it is a beer place but if you have Liquor you should at least I don't now... Have some fucking Mixers?!? They didn't have cranberry juice so I had to get a Miller light... I have tried and tried and I just can't get into the beer scene... I don't like it and I don't think I ever will... I try it's just too damn bitter... So if I have to drink beer, I'll drink the weak shit... Britt's sister Amy is on her way with Nora the cousin from Ireland... They get there and Nora has forgotten her passport. Ok so I know they don't card over there but come on... You are in a foreign country, wouldn't you want to have some sort of I.D. on you??? So now after paying a cover at Flying Saucer and staying 5 minutes we are now on our way to The Tin Roof... Now before last night, I almost stepped foot in the Tin Roof once and didn't make it... The testosterone level in that bar is insane... It's like a seedy lesbian bar but for straight people... Bar fights in this corner... Breeders making out in this corner... Way too loud Gretchen Wilson Kareoke on the back patio. Girl... I can't believe Anthony and I survived... Anthony spit on some guys dick in the bathroom... The guy walked into the stall, pulled out his dick and started peeing with Anthony. I am SO glad it wasn't me. I would have dotted the guys eye... Is it really socially acceptable for straight men to do that in straight bars? That is fucking disgusting... Needless to say we left immediately after that to avoid a bar fight.

We left the straight bar and headed over to Tribe. Anthony's ex wanted him there... Why I have no idea.... All the guy does is stand there and get pissed at Anthony any time he looks at someone and just completely ignores me... Worthless needy ass... Shew... I didn't last log there... I told Anthony we needed to either go to Play and dance or go home... I couldn't stomach Anthony's ex anymore... So we went next door and hooked up with friends and danced for an hour or so... Ant's ex called him at one point... He was on the side of the building drunk out of his head and needed Ant to come help him... (Insert eye roll here). Whatever Mary...

Overall it was a decent night. I got to see Jenn and Britt so it wasn't a total loss.

Topher

Are you Running with Scissors?

2006-10-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite Authors, Augusten Burroughs, wrote a book a few years ago called Running With Scissors. It was one of the most powerful and funny non fiction books I have read in my life. I have gone on to read all of his books and love them all... Well they have created a movie based on the book Running With Scissors and it comes out in Theatres today!!! It has an all star cast... including Joseph Fiennes, Alec Baldwin, Annette Bening, Gwyneth Paltrow, Evan Rachel Wood and Brian Cox... I strongly encourage everyone to go see this movie... If it is half as good as the book you will not be disapointed!

Topher

Homewrecking 101...

2006-10-27T15:35:00.000-05:00

So I have had this crush on a guy that I go to church with for a while... I met him a few months ago the second time I went to this new church. There was a pot luck and he came and sat down beside me and two friends of mine... We exchanged a few sentences and then he said he needed to leave and politely excused himself from the table... I knew from the second I met him that there was an attraction between us. My friends picked up on it too... One of them said "Do you know this guy because I am noting some crazy tention betwen you." I replied that I didn't but I knew exactly what she was talking about... I shook his hand that night and said goodbye. I was trying to get a feel for his intentions... It didn't work... :-/ So the next Sunday I went to church and here he comes striking up a conversation with me and he is definitely giving off the vibe that he likes me. Then he drops the bomb... "My boyfriend and I..." Figures... I didn't think anymore of it at the time... I assumed he was just one of those overly friendly church types and went on about my day. I didn't go to church for a few months afterwards due to some famliy issues but about a month ago I started back at this new church and of course as soon as I get there, here he comes friendly as ever. We went to lunch after morning service and talked and had a great time afterward we went to the mall and spent the day together... We then went to the evening service and he invited me to a singer/songwrite showcase. It was a great time... It could have easily been misconstrued as a date. I wanted it to be a date! I really liked this guy but he is "married" and they have been together for three years. During this day together he shared with me that he hasn't felt "that way" about his boyfriend for a long time and that he has been thinking about taking things back to a friendship level with him but hasn't decided when the right time would be... Hmm... Haven't heard that one before... lol... Nothing happened... We exchanged numbers, email and myspace usernames at the end of the night and that was that. We started chatting via email at work on a daily basis and found out we had a lot in common. Especially a certian singer... I told him I would burn him a cd with some stuff he didn't have and would give it to himthe next time I saw him...

I wasn't in town for a couple of weeks but came back to church this past Sunday with mixed CD in tow. There was another Potluck Sunday evening... I suggested that we go for a ride and listen... He agreed and off we went on a trip down Old Hickory Blvd...

Well , about six miles into the trip he puts his hand on my leg... It startled me but somehow I expected it. I told him as much and I think he thought I was offended... I wasn't. I was on fire but at the same time I had this nagging thought in the back of my head pleading with me... Asking me not to allow what I kenw was about to happen to happen... The nagging thought lost the arguement... Unbeknownst to me (and him so he said) the road dead ended into the the lake as a loading ramp. We stopped the car and got out and walk down to the lake's edge. He was behind me and I was so close I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I felt his lips touch right below my hairline... I tried for a split second to reason with myslef but there was no use... I turned around and kissed him more passionately that I have kissed in a long time... I had forgotten the feeling of fire that burns inside you when you were this into someone... The unending urge to get your bodies as close to each other as possible... We made out and scared the fish for a while and moved back into the car where we made out for over two hours... A car came so we had to leave... We went back to my car and made out and more for another two hours... After it was over we kissed goodnight... And went home... At the time I didn't care what I had done... It felt soo good that I didn't want it to end... I dodnt care that he had a boyfriend of three years. I didn't care about anything but myself. We have spoken once via email since this happened. I wonder what is going to happen at church now... We shall see... I tried to talk about it with one of my best friends... the onet aht has cheated on every singe girlfriend that she has ever had. She seemed disapointed in me and said almost as much... It made me sad. I guess even though she can do it, my friends expect more of me because I have always held high moral standards for myself... It probably shocked her. I still didn't need her judging me though. The guilt has set in somewhat. I know what I did was not right. I don't regret it. I will not be repeating anything with this man again unless he breaks up with his boyfriend... I can only assume that he is feeling guilt as well... He has cheated on his boyfriend. Hell, maybe this isnt the first time for him. It isn't fair to anyone involved. Not fair to me because I canot date the guy that I want because he is already dating someone. Also not fair to this guys boyfriend. Noone deserves being cheated on... I think that is what makes is to bad. I have never cheated on anyone. This is the closest that I have come to cheating or being involved in this sort of situation... I don't like it and can safely say that although my home wrecking days just started... They are also over.

Topher

Call for an Israeli Cease Fire

2006-08-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

I have been reading articles about the current Israeli - Hezbollah conflict since the original 07/12/06 capture of the two Israeli soldiers. I have to say that I am becoming more and more upset about this whole situation. I am mad at the press for becoming more and more complacent about the hundreds of dead civilians in Lebanon as the war continues. I am mad at Israel for not having a better military strategy for their offensive strike. I am mad at president Bush (as far as this instance is concerned) for not coming out and telling Israel that they need to stop their assault and handle this situation like civilized people!

Ill be honest. I normally do not get caught up in foreign affairs. But for some reason, since the beginning of this war I have been drawn to it.

Israel started the assault on Hezbollah after they kidnapped two Israeli soldiers on July 12th. Since their first offensive strike Israel has killed 494 innocent Lebanese souls and an estimated 46 Hezbollah guerrilla soldiers. Lets do the math. At the current ratio, this means that for every ONE ENEMY SOLDIER that they kill, they kill TEN INNOCENT PEOPLE. Does this sound like a good military offensive strategy to you?

Hezbollah has killed approximately 36 Israeli soldiers and 19 civilians. At least they seem to be hitting their targets more than civilians.

Sunday's massacre At Qana left 54 Lebanese civilians dead, 37 of which were sleeping children. Israel knew this was a residential area and that there would be major civilian casualties if they bombed. They bombed the area anyway.

These people were hunkered down in basements and closets. Do you think they went outside to read the fliers that Israeli planes were dropping from the sky while they heard gunfire and missiles from overhead?

Yes, the Hezbollah was launching missiles from this area but there are different ways to handle this type of situation. Send in a team of special military agents to kill them. DO NOT KILL THIRTY-SEVEN SLEEPING CHILREN!!

Bush made a statement that Israel has a right to defend itself. I'm sorry but Israel started bombing Lebanon first, because of the kidnapping of two of their soldiers. What they stopped reporting after the first week was that the reason why Hezbollah did this was because Israel is holding over 1000 Lebanese detainees which they claim are part of the Hezbollah party. Hmm... Sound familiar? Yes, Hezbollah was wrong for the kidnapping but I can at least comprehend their reasoning behind it.

My question to Israeli leaders is this... At what point does two kidnapped soldiers justify the killing of almost 500 innocent people in less than twenty days?

My question to everyone else is this... What do you think the worlds reaction would be if the United States had gone into Iraq and killed 10 civilians for every one terrorist we were after with the Iraqi civilian death toll approaching 500 in three weeks time?

Bottom line! Terrorism is wrong any way you look at it and Hezbollah needs to be put in check but Israel has got to stop their attack and find a more peaceful resolution to this situation. They have already destroyed Lebanons coastline by purposely striking a power plant spilling nearly 110,000 barrels of crude oil into the Mediterranean sea, left many of the beautiful countrys towns in a rubble and left the countries people mourning for their murdered innocent coworkers, friends, family members and their peaceful way of life. Stop the violence! Cease fire for Lebanons sake.
Topher

Facts in this blog post were aquired from multiple sources including articles and television news broadcasts.