Friday, October 27, 2006

Homewrecking 101...

So I have had this crush on a guy that I go to church with for a while... I met him a few months ago the second time I went to this new church. There was a pot luck and he came and sat down beside me and two friends of mine... We exchanged a few sentences and then he said he needed to leave and politely excused himself from the table... I knew from the second I met him that there was an attraction between us. My friends picked up on it too... One of them said "Do you know this guy because I am noting some crazy tention betwen you." I replied that I didn't but I knew exactly what she was talking about... I shook his hand that night and said goodbye. I was trying to get a feel for his intentions... It didn't work... :-/

So the next Sunday I went to church and here he comes striking up a conversation with me and he is definitely giving off the vibe that he likes me. Then he drops the bomb... "My boyfriend and I..." Figures... I didn't think anymore of it at the time... I assumed he was just one of those overly friendly church types and went on about my day.

I didn't go to church for a few months afterwards due to some famliy issues but about a month ago I started back at this new church and of course as soon as I get there, here he comes friendly as ever. We went to lunch after morning service and talked and had a great time. Afterward we went to the mall and spent the day together... We then went to the evening service and he invited me to a singer/songwrite showcase. It was a great time... It could have easily been misconstrued as a date. I wanted it to be a date! I really liked this guy but he is "married" and they have been together for three years.

During this day together he shared with me that he hasn't felt "that way" about his boyfriend for a long time and that he has been thinking about taking things back to a friendship level with him but hasn't decided when the right time would be... Hmm... Haven't heard that one before. lol Nothing happened. We exchanged numbers, email and myspace usernames at the end of the night and that was that.

We started chatting via email at work on a daily basis and found out we had a lot in common. Especially a certain singer... I told him I would burn him a CD with some stuff he didn't have and would give it to him the next time I saw him...

I wasn't in town for a couple of weeks but came back to church this past Sunday with mixed CD in tow. There was another Potluck that evening... I suggested that we go for a ride and listen... He agreed and off we went on a trip down an old country road...

About six miles into the trip he puts his hand on my leg. It startled me but somehow I expected it. I told him as much and I think he thought I was offended. I wasn't. I was on fire but at the same time I had this nagging thought in the back of my head pleading with me. Asking me not to allow what I knew was about to happen to happen... The nagging thought lost the argument...

Unbeknownst to me (and him so he said) the road dead ended into the the lake as a loading ramp. We stopped the car and got out and walk down to the lake's edge. He was behind me and was so close I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I felt his lips touch right below my hairline... I tried for a split second to reason with myself but there was no use...

I turned around and kissed him more passionately that I have kissed in ages... I had forgotten the feeling of fire that burns inside you when you were this into someone... The unending urge to get your bodies as close to each other as possible... We made out and scared the fish for a while and moved back into the car where we made out for over two hours! A car came so we had to leave... We went back to my car and made out and more for another two hours... After it was over we kissed one more goodnight kiss and went home...

At the time I didn't care what I had done... It felt soo good that I didn't want it to end... I didn't care that he had a boyfriend of three years. I didn't care about anything but myself. We have spoken once via email since this happened. I wonder what is going to happen at church now... We shall see... I tried to talk about it with one of my best friends... the one that has cheated on every singe girlfriend that she has ever had. She seemed disappointed in me and said almost as much... It made me sad. I guess even though she can do it, my friends expect more of me because I have always held high moral standards for myself... It probably shocked her. I still didn't need her judging me though.

The guilt has set in somewhat. I know what I did was not right. I don't regret it. I will not be repeating anything with this man again unless he breaks up with his boyfriend... I can only assume that he is feeling guilt as well... He has cheated on his boyfriend. Hell, maybe this isn't the first time for him. It isn't fair to anyone involved. Not fair to me because I cannot date the guy that I want because he is already dating someone. Also not fair to this guy's boyfriend. No one deserves being cheated on... I think that is what makes is to bad. I have never cheated on anyone. This is the closest that I have come to cheating or being involved in this sort of situation... I don't like it and can safely say that although my home wrecking days just started... They are also over.

Topher

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