Where do I begin.... There is too much to type and I don't have the strength to start so I am just going to ramble... I am hurting... I am upset with Anthony. I am upset with myself I am upset with the situation I am in. I do not want to go to Chicago for new years anymore with Anthony. I don’t even want to have the conversation that i know I have to have with Anthony tonight. I just don’t care. I must really be an asshole I suppose... Anthony says that I treat him so badly then why doesn’t he say something when I "treat him badly". I don't know what I am doing that is upsetting you if you don't fucking TELL ME! I am just tired of talking to Anthony about it because every time I try to talk to him about how he makes me feel sometimes he gets defensive and turns it back on me. Just like JAMEY did. Nothing ever gets resolved with him... He feels like certain parts of my life are his business and they aren’t... And when I omitted things it drove him nuts so he would find something else to be pissed at me about since I wouldn't give in and tell him where I was going. I have no privacy at home; I should at least have some privacy when I am away from him. He has gotten better about this recently... Instead up getting pissed off when I don’t tell him what I am doing he just makes fun of me... "On your way to your secret Rendezvous?" "Did you have fun on your secret Rendezvous?" That’s his new way of disapproving. Instead of picking a fight with me about it he just makes fun of it. Like married boy... and the other guy at church that was interested in me... I tried to tell him about it and... "You've already wrecked one home, Now you're starting another one?" And he says he was joking but Anthony uses that all the time... Saying what he feels by putting it in a joke... Then when you get upset about it... "What's your problem. I was only joking." No you weren't!!! I just don't think we are on the same page anymore... And we haven't been for months... We can never work out our differences and that drives me nuts... It makes me resent him because I know that if there is something that I have an issue with, I can't go to him with it because we will end up in a fight and not speak for three days and STILL nothing will get resolved. So I sit on it for a day or two and try to make it go away but it doesn't... So I say something and of course it gets turned around on me... "Well if you didn't treat me so mean." Give me an example... I don't fucking get it. I think he is using that as a cop out sometimes... And the whole Stephen thing... My opinion is, you haven't been laid in months... All the sudden Christopher has started seeing someone, you have no prospects... And then one day Stephen and you kiss?.?.? Wow... I'll just take him back so I am not alone and I can get laid on a regular basis... "Take him to Massachusetts and marry him love him?" Please bitch... Is that why you had you know who’s dick in your month last Thursday night? I love him sooo much that I'm gonna suck this other guys dick! Eight months ago you couldn't stand to be around him for more than five minutes without looking at me and saying, "I just can't breathe girl. He drains the life right out of me." If I had a dollar bill for every time I heard you say that... Or "I love Stephen; I’m just not IN love with him." What's changed since then? He rejected you... Madonna said it best girl... Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac (spelling)! I don't think you love him... I think you were lonely and horny. And when you asked him back out and he said no, you went crazy because you couldn't have him... Even if you two do get back together, six months from now, you're gonna be right back in the same boat you were in. "I can't breath girl, He's draining the life-force out of me." And I don't think I have the strength nor do I want to live through that again... If he really knew how you felt about him then or that you just had someone else’s dick in your mouth (You know who of all people) while professing your undying love to him, I doubt he would get back with you. And even though I don't like the boy and he doesn't like me, It isn't fair to Stephen... This leads me to my next statement... Stephen is a big boy and it is absolutely none of my business... That still doesn't mean that I have to like it. And I don't want him coming on this trip with us... I wouldn't invite married boy on this trip, or Brooke... Or I know... the year that I tried to invite Christina but you didn’t want her to come because you thought she was flaky and didn't like her... You actually threw a fit about it, so I had to tell her not to come... I don't like Stephen and I feel like I have paid too much money to go on this damn trip to have him sitting there staring at the wall while anyone besides you tries to engage him in conversation... I have tried and tried to be nice to him... Hell, I've even invited him out to drinks or to the movies... He doesn't even return my texts... So why on earth would I want to spend my New Years Eve in Chicago with HIM? I wouldn't but OH WAIT, I FORGOT; you are trying to win him back over so it's ok to invite him even though you know how I feel about it... You go right ahead and be that selfish girl... and you know what??? I think you might have enough money to pay for that hotel room by yourself that way you and Stephen can have that nice big bed at Suckitel to lye there and be "Friends" all day long...
Rant over! Peace out!
C
