32 and holding...

It still sounds weird when I say it outloud... I am Thirty-Two now... When I was younger never pictured what I would be like at this age... I was so scared of my Thirties that I wouldn't think about it at all (As if that would keep it from happening). Of course they did come and now I am two years into my Thirties. I must say that I feel like my shit is more together now and I just feel more grounded than my Twenties and now that I think about it, I soo would not want to go back to my Twenties (This may change when forty approaches)...

Anyway... For my Thirty-second birthday I decided to go visit Tony in Chicago. He moved to Chicago from Tampa the day after I moved from Nashville to New Orleans. As crazy as it sounds I decided to drive instead of fly because I had to visit my mom in Southern Illinois anyway. The downfall was not being able to split the trip home up. I had to drive all the way from Chicago to New Orleans in one day. I must say that I will NEVER do that again in my life but it was worth the trip.

I got to moms around 10pmish on Christmas Eve. We pretty much sat around and ate and played games for two days. It was good to have down time with my family and not have to worry about having a lot to do. My mom seemed to like it that way and thought we should make a tradition of being low key for Christmas. I am definitely OK with that...

So I left moms house Friday December 26th and headed up toward Chicago. I met Tony in Champagne and we rode the rest of the way up together. It was a good visit. We went to a local Beer Brewery/Pub to eat the first night. I had a Saturday Birthday this year which was great! We started off the day with Pizza at Lou Malnattis then some shopping on the mile. The weather was warm (Around 60 degrees) but it was raining. That kind of sucked but I didn't let it get me down. Besides... Kenneth Cole had a 70% off shoe sale on all of their men's shoes. It was worth it. :-)

After shopping we went back to Tony's house and chilled before Keith and another friend of Tony's showed up (Mike). I ended up being very attracted to Mike. He was not normally my type but I was very interested in him. Anywho... We went to Sidetracks where Keith (evil evil Man) introduced me to a new drink choice... Something I have thought about before but never ordered. A Cosmo on the rocks. Now my new fav drink. :-) Of course I got a little more than tipsy but didn't do anything bad or embarrassing. YAY!!! lol.

We left Sidetracks and Keith went to Steamworks. "Let's call a spade a spade" I said because he was trying to be covert and secretive about it. Funny... Tony, Mike and I went back to Tony's place where we sat and talked for a while longer. Mike left around 1 pm and I went to bed.

Up at 5:45 am and on the looooooong road home by 6:15 am... Stopped in Nashville for a few hours to see the grandparents and brunch at MadDonnas with Ant and back on the road to N'awlins!

Melissa happened to still be in Nashvegas which was good. We caravanned home to keep each other awake... It worked until about Hattysburg when I started Hallucinating and the trees started waving at me... Got home at 12:55 am Monday December29th and up for work at 6:45am on Monday December 29th...

All and all I had a great Christmas and birthday this year but like I said before... Never again. Mama is flying next time!!!

For now I am going to sit back relax and see what 32 has in store.

Cheers!
Topher

Lets do the Time Warp again...

Wow! So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to begin.

I almost deleted this blog but kept it open just in case I ever felt like posting again. It has been 15 months since my last post and so much has changed that I am just going to start with the big stuff and fill in what I can. What prompted me to post was my birthday. I went to visit Tony in Chicago and we were trying to remember past visits and were forgetting things. I thought to myself that I need to start getting this stuff down or it will just be lost forever. Sometimes I want more than just a photo to remember experiences.

I moved to New Orleans on August 3, 2008. You know I have tried to move to Chicago for so long that I never even considered anywhere else. But Melissa and I reconnected and I came down here quite a few times over the last year or so and I started opening up to the possibility of moving to New Orleans. I thought well hell if something bad happens every single time I try to move to Chicago, them maybe I shouldn't move to Chicago right now. So anyway... Melissa offered to help me move (Gotta love a lesbian and her truck) and I found a great job so away I went... And now I couldn't be happier about my choice. I LOVE this city!!! I love the people, the food, the cheap booze, etc... and even though I don't drink Daiquiris, I love the fact that there are drive thru Daiquiris shops all over town! Seriously!

I moved to New Orleans as a stepping stone... A way to get to Chicago... Stay here a few years and get experience in my career then move to Chicago, but now I don't know if I feel that way any more. Of course only time will tell but for now, I am perfectly happy here in the Big Easy where they have a neutral ground in stead of a median in the middle of the road; where it is perfectly legal and required to make U-Turns and where they make groceries instead of get them.

Cheers!
Topher

So you don't want a relationship... Ok. Well I do...

Lately I have been trying to figure out how I was going to end an arrangement that has gone on too long. I have had a FWB for a little over a year now and I am starting to come out of the sex haze I have been under. Yes, I fell in love with him and I know I know... I'm an idiot. But there was something about him besides the sex, of course, that kept me coming back.
He truly cared for me. He would do anything for me in his power. I guess I felt safe enough with him to let my guard down...

Next thing I know, I'm writing love poems and pining after him (OMG gag me with a spoon).

T says I never loved him... I only felt that way because I knew deep down I couldn't have him. He is wrong for the most part but I know that not being able to have him played a part though. Most of my friends don't know that this "arrangement" has continued on even though I told him about my feelings for him. I guess they all assumed that once I told him how I felt, that he would do what most typical men do, run. But of course he didn't run. When I told him how I felt, I told him that I was jest letting him know. I wasn't expecting a response at all... Just had to get it off my chest. He got weird for a week and then things went back to the way they were. We continued to flirt, talk and have sex like nothing ever happened.

I sometimes wonder how he justified it in his head... After hearing someone tell you that they were in love with you, How are you still able to have a sexual relationship with that person knowing what must be going on inside their head?

I know, I have no one to blame for that but myself for allowing it to happen.

Thinking about it now, I can't believe the things I would think... If I keep waiting for him eventually he'll wake up and realize what is standing right in front of him... He'll eventually wan't a relationship with me, I just know it. (gag)

Bottom line, really is... I think he thinks of me as a very good friend that he can get together with and occasionally bang for a mutual release. Yes he cares about me and I would venture to say that he loves me but he will never want to have a relationship with me.

That saddens me but something good has come out of it. I have realized that I do have the capacity to love and I actually am wanting to have a relationship again. This is really surprising, considering the three years of me wanting absolutely nothing to do with any type of relationship.

This is a good thing. :-)

This is the end of a good thing that went on a little too long.

Peace out!
Topher

Topher the functioning crack addict....

I don't know why but I have been in a very manic mood for the past couple of days. Yesterday at work I started like 15 different projects. Work projects, personal projects, projects I have no business working on. Projects that should have been completed.. . yada yada yada. and on top of this one of my Cust service reps called out so I am taking calls, and keeping up with about 15 different email conversations. WooHoo!!! After work it continued with multiple overlapping incoming and outgoing phone calls on the cell phone, while texting. I told Aaron I felt like a functioning crack addict. He gave his usual boisterous laugh and said that has to be your next blog title. I said: "You're right". So here we are... Day two of Topher's manic mania and there seems to be no end in sight at the moment. I'm dreading the crash and burn but for now I guess I'll just enjoy the ride and try not to spend too much money. :-D More to come...

4:54am

My eyes pop open again… My stomach in knots. I want to cry. It’s you racing through my mind again. Why? Maybe if I can express this emotion it will stop manifesting in my dreams. Every single day. 4:54am. I try to go back to sleep and all I can dream about is you. I wish I had never told you how I felt. I try to go to friends for consolation but it doesn’t help. It’s funny how when you’re going through something there seems to be no end in sight. God give me peace in my heart at 4:54am.

New Beginnings...

So now here I am. It has been 5 months since my last post and I am a completely different person... I have pretty much cut all of the negativity out of my life (including negative friends) and unfortunately friends associated with negative friends. It was a hard decision but once I finally got to the point where the decision had to be made, it was surprisingly easy... A few hundred keystrokes to say goodbye and poof... An old chapter of my life ends and a new one begins. There are some residual "side effects" of cutting people out of my life, i.e. People going on fake dates with me to get information or sending emails to people to try to warn potential friends about how horrible and selfish I have become since I have started attending church... but overall I am handling the situation well... I have a great new support group. A small group of people who I can trust... People that I know love and care about me... And I thank God for it.

I see this new chapter of my life as a blessing. I have another chance to breathe love and life into peoples lives and now I have people surrounding me that want to do the same.

I am sure there are plenty of bumps in the road in the future but at least now I am back on the right road.

Peace out.
Topher

Choices

Choices Current mood: pensive
Most of the time, we don't ever have to deal with our choices. We make them then we move on with our lives… We make them all day long… Every once in a while we are faces with consequences of our choices… We get an angry caller at work if we decide not to do something that they want done. We have to deal with angry coworkers when we decide to hit the snooze button that one extra time. We never really think about it until we make those choices in a split second that end up changing our lives in a major way. You don't even know at the time but after a while it dawns on you what you have done and you have to deal with the consequences of that choice. I know we all know this… It's kind of cliché even talking about it but I have run into one of those situations. I have made a choice that has become a catalyst for major change in my life. I believe that this change is actually for the good, but it is still scary none the less… I suppose the lesson in this situation could be: Don't let other people make your decisions for you. But if good is actually coming from it, maybe there was never a lesson to learn to begin with… Maybe I just need to get through the situation as best as I can and wait and see what is waiting for me on the other side. Only time will tell.

C